Learning activity 1.1: Preparing for parenting

Introduction

Take a look at this job ad:

Help wanted

Applicant needed for the most important job in the entire world. Not for the faint-hearted!

Bold text startExperience required:Bold text End None

Bold text startDuties:Bold text End You will be responsible for a child’s daily care. Duties will include preparing meals, doing laundry, repairing tears and sewing on buttons, attending to cuts and scrapes, changing diapers, singing songs, reading stories, watching children’s television, cheering loudly at soccer games, and providing guidance to the next generation.

Bold text startHours:Bold text End 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Bold text startWages:Bold text EndYou will pay thousands.

Bold text startTraining:Bold text End On-the-job training, learn by trial and error and by asking others lots of questions

Bold text startBenefits:Bold text End Too many to mention and too difficult to put into words

Bold text startRetirement:Bold text End Never; this is a lifelong commitment. While the duties may change as the child ages, one can never stop being a parent.

Would you consider applying for this job? Why or why not?

Student Answer

Now think back, way back to childhood…

Do you remember who taught you how to tie your shoelaces, ride a bike, or print your name? You can probably think of many different people who taught you the skills you know today. These people were your Bold text startcaregiversBold text End. A caregiver is someone who cares for a child, either on a short-term or long-term basis.

Caregivers can be parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, teachers, babysitters, brothers or sisters, daycare workers, coaches, or even neighbours or friends.

In this course, "parenting" or "to parent" will mean the care, nurture, and support that a parent or other caregiver gives a child. Parents are the primary caregivers. They are responsible for caring for their children 24 hours a day. They must provide a safe, loving, and stimulating environment for their children and fulfill their physical and emotional needs. The decision to become a parent is a major one. It requires a lifelong commitment and should not be taken lightly.

Do you believe that parenting is instinctive? You may think that it is something that comes naturally, but would you know what to do if a child:

cried constantly?
developed a rash all over his or her body?
was afraid to go to bed at night?
hit or bit another child?
was so shy that he or she wouldn’t leave your side?

Why did you decide to take this course? Do you think that you can learn about caring for a child by taking a course like this one? Consider why education on caregiving is important.

Why take a parenting course?

Poster listing the top 10 reasons to take a parenting course as learning how to provide for the physical care of a child, how to provide guidance and support to children of different ages, how to create a safe environment for children, where to get help in the local community, what coping strategies to use for families in a changing world, how to create a healthy and strong family, how to communicate and manage conflict effectively, how to plan activities that enrich a child’s development, what to expect if you’re thinking about becoming a parent, and what potential career opportunities to seek involving children, their care, and their development.

Can you think of other reasons for learning about parenting?

Student Answer

How you’ll learn in this course

In this course, you will learn about the skills and knowledge that parents, guardians, and other caregivers need, with a focus on maternal health, pregnancy, birth, and the early years (birth to six years of age) of human development.

Through your study and practical experiences with children, you will learn how to meet their developmental needs, communicate with them, and effectively guide their behaviour.

Caring for children can be a rewarding and enriching experience, particularly if you study the skills involved. When you study parenting, you learn how to provide the care and guidance necessary for a child's healthy development.

During this course, you'll learn by working with current and reliable information, and by practising. Plenty of relevant, accurate information is provided, but to develop skills, practice is necessary. You will get this practice by trying out your new skills with young family members, getting the "okay" to spend time with young children of friends, and doing a number of other structured activities designed to help you see what caregiving is like, firsthand. For example, you'll simulate caring for an infant for 48 continuous hours.

Later in the course, you will be expected to observe young children in real-life settings and plan, organize, and carry out age-appropriate activities with them.

What you will learn

After completing this lesson, you will be able to:

describe factors that determine a person's readiness to be a parent
use the five-step decision-making model to determine parenting readiness
describe the skills and personal qualities of successful parents
list ways that people can acquire parenting skills

Acknowledgements

Why become a parent?

Deciding to be a parent requires careful thought, because caring for a child is a lifelong commitment. Becoming a parent is hard work, emotionally and physically.

In an ideal situation, potential parents should only begin the parenting process once they have learned everything possible about this lifelong responsibility. However, people have children for many reasons. Sometimes the reasons don’t really make sense. As you read the following list of reasons, think about whether they are good or poor reasons for deciding to become a parent.

People sometimes choose to become parents to meet some other need, for example:

to prove they are adults. Once people reach puberty, they are physically able to carry or father a child. However, they may not be ready to take on the personal and financial responsibilities of adulthood.
to please someone else. They may have parents who are desperate to be grandparents or a partner who tells them that having a child is the only way to prove their love for the partner. Such a major decision is a very personal one and should be made without pressure from other people.
for emotional reasons. Some people are desperately searching for someone to love and for someone to love them, and believe a baby would fulfill this need.
to gain respect. Some people feel that if you are a parent, you will automatically be treated with respect. However, respect is earned by the way people interact with others, not by merely playing the role of a parent.
to escape a situation. Often, people decide to have a child as a way of escaping an unhappy home or a job they dislike. This is a drastic way of trying to solve either problem.
because society expects it. Some people feel that they should have children because it is expected of them.
to improve an unhappy relationship. Bringing a child into an unhappy relationship to try to improve it only puts additional strain on the relationship.
to be like everyone else. People may have friends or siblings who are parents, but this doesn’t necessarily mean that the time is right for them to become parents. Many choose to delay being a parent until they are really ready.

When people become parents or caregivers to meet some other need, it doesn’t usually work out and everyone suffers. The best reason for becoming a parent is that you genuinely want to raise and nurture a child. To do so, you need to be ready for the responsibility that goes with it.

Questions: Why become a parent?

Decide if each of the following reasons for wanting to become a parent is a good reason or a poor one.

Parenting readiness

Even though parenting is the most important job you'll ever have, there is no test available to judge your readiness for parenting, and no licence required to prove you're qualified. When the time comes, it will be up to you to decide whether or not you're ready for this big job.

There are many factors to consider when deciding whether you're ready to parent. As a prospective parent, you need to consider factors such as the stability of your personal relationships, your personal finances, your emotional and physical health, your social relationships, and your intellectual readiness.

Being ready for this phase of your life is called parenting readiness. But, even if you're ready, that's not a guarantee against problems: life circumstances will influence your ability to raise a child properly. The odds for success are better, though, when people are really ready to take on the responsibilities of caring for a child.

What factors should you consider?

Press each factor to learn more about it. Remember, babies don’t come with instruction manuals, so the more a prospective parent knows ahead of time, the more ready they will be

A stable relationship provides a strong foundation for a growing family. Having children strengthens a stable relationship. But, having a baby makes a weak relationship weaker.

Raising a child can create tension between parents. Differences in expectations and child-rearing practices can increase tension.

A couple's relationship most often takes second place to a new baby's constant needs. There will be less time for a couple to be together without the baby. Sometimes, feelings of resentment towards the baby can arise, due to this lack of time for self or spouse. Research has shown that couples have only about one-third as much time alone together as they had when they were childless. (Longo, 1993)

Having a child is a very expensive venture.

Moneysense.ca estimates that the average cost of raising a child to age 18 is $243 660; that's $12 825 per year or $1070 per month. This does not include the costs associated with post-secondary education.

Some initial expenses to consider include baby food, clothing, diapers, car seats, furniture, strollers, and toys. As children get older, education, personal and health care, child care, and recreation costs add to the bill.

Parents also need to consider that while their expenses will increase, their income may go down, as one or both of the parents may take time off work.

A child changes a person's life. Often, it is necessary for a parent to postpone their original goals.

If you start to think about having a child, take the time to answer these questions:

Will you be able to complete your education?
Will you need to change your career goals?
Will you be able to save enough to buy a car, acquire a home, or build a savings account, if you become a parent now?

People who are planning to become parents should be aware that it's an emotionally demanding job. You need to be emotionally mature yourself, in order to do a good job. Some things to consider before you take on the role of parenthood include:

Flexibility – are you willing to adjust your daily schedule to meet the needs of a child?
Sleep – can you function with interrupted sleep patterns?
Patience – are you even-tempered enough to deal with the frustrations of a crying child?
Willingness to share – are you willing to share your money, resources, and time with your child?
Independence – can you provide care for yourself and others?
Reasonableness – can you make decisions based on reason, rather than emotion?
Trustworthiness – are you able to make and follow through on all of your commitments?

Your social life will change. The things that you liked to do before having children may no longer be possible.

Caring for a child takes a lot of time, energy, and money, and as a parent you will need to make decisions about how to allocate your resources differently.

You will not have as much free time. You may find that your friends who do not have children may not understand that you can no longer spend as much time with them.

Travelling, hobbies, sports, and other activities may no longer be possible. If one of the parents is unwilling to limit their personal interests, this can create conflict in the parents' relationship.

It is important to have an intellectual understanding of a parent's responsibilities and commitments before becoming a parent. How can you do that?

A course like this will help you gain that understanding. You'll learn the basics about child development and the principles of child care.

Gaining real-life experience is another way to develop intellectual awareness of the role.

Practise good health habits:

Regular medical check-ups, a nutritious diet, and sufficient sleep should be part of your lifestyle.
Immunizations, vaccinations, and dental work should all be up to date.
Getting enough exercise and avoiding alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes are highly recommended for a healthy pregnancy.

You and your partner need to ask yourselves if either of you has:

any medical condition that could affect a pregnancy, such as diabetes, kidney disease, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), or even an eating disorder.
any possible inherited disorders that could affect a baby, such as Bold text startsickle-cell anemiaBold text End (a genetic blood disorder) or Bold text startTay–Sachs diseaseBold text End (a genetic nerve disorder).

The prime time for a woman to become pregnant is between the age of 20 and 30:

A woman is most fertile during her twenties.
The risk of maternal diabetes and miscarriage are at their lowest.
The baby is also much less likely to be born with a birth defect, such as Down syndrome (one in 1667 births among women aged 20) or other chromosomal abnormalities (one in 526 among women aged 20).
Women who become pregnant in their late thirties and forties are more likely to have complications than those in their twenties. They are also far more likely to need a Bold text startCaesarean sectionBold text End (a surgical cut to remove the baby) for delivery complications.

Activity: Check your understanding

Select the best answer from the following options to check your understanding of what you have learned so far.

Activity: Understanding emotional readiness

For each question, choose the corresponding form of emotional readiness from the drop-down menu.

Activity: How important is your health history to parenthood?

Is the following statement true or false? Explain why.

"It is important to have a medical check-up and be aware of your health history, before having a baby."

Student Answer

True. Both parents need to ensure that they are healthy before having a baby. Their vaccinations and immunizations should be up to date. They should be aware of any medical conditions they might have, such as diabetes, kidney disease, or sexually transmitted infections (STIs) that could affect the pregnancy or the baby’s health. They should also determine whether they have any inherited disorders that could affect the baby’s health.

Activity: Rank parenting readiness factors

Rank the following parenting readiness factors to reflect your opinion on their order of importance. Rank the factor you think is most important as #1 and the one you think is least important as #7.

Relationship readiness
Financial readiness
Life readiness
Emotional readiness
Social readiness
Intellectual readiness
Physical readiness

Explain why you ranked the factors as you did.

Student Answer

Your answers will vary. For example, you may have decided to select physical health as your number one factor because, without physical health, the other factors are not relevant. Or, you may have selected financial readiness first, as it is very important to be able to provide for a child’s needs.

Deciding to become a parent

The decision to become a parent is one that should not be taken lightly. Throughout this lesson, you looked at many factors that should be considered before making such an important decision. But, it's still complicated. How would you go about making this decision? What process would you follow?

You are more likely to make a good decision if you have carefully considered all aspects of this role. Parents who are properly prepared are more likely to raise a healthy and happy child.

To make the best decision, you need to:

consider all options
weigh the advantages, disadvantages, and consequences of your actions
consider the values, circumstances, and pressures that influence your decision

Five-step decision-making model

A variety of models or processes are used for decision making. A common, easy-to-follow method is the "five-step decision-making model." The five steps are outlined below. Press each step to learn more.

State the problem

Define the problem or goal in the clearest possible terms. Write it down so that you don't lose sight of it during the rest of the decision-making process.

List the alternatives

Analyze the choices

Make a decision

Implement the solution

Make a step-by-step plan and don't procrastinate about implementing it. Once you've implemented your decision, take time to evaluate its consequences and how you feel about it. If you've gone through the five-step model correctly, you should be satisfied with your choice.

Case study: Sophie and Jamal

Now that you have had a chance to review the five-step decision-making model, it's time for you to try it out. Read the following case study and then use the five-step decision-making model to come up with a plan of action.

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Sophie and Jamal are in their second year at college in the town where Sophie grew up. This spring, both will graduate with honours from their programs. Their job prospects look good: Jamal wants to be a computer technician and Sophie wants to be a child and youth worker.

Jamal and Sophie have been living together for the past two years in a two-bedroom apartment very close to campus. Sophie's parents and siblings live close by. Sophie has a good relationship with her family and enjoys spending time with them. Jamal's family lives in British Columbia, so he doesn't see them often. When Jamal finishes school he hopes to move back to BC with Sophie to be closer to his parents and work for the family business. His parents have a large home with a basement apartment that he and Sophie can live in at no cost. Sophie is excited, but nervous about moving across the country.

For the past month, Sophie has been thinking about starting a family. Since she loves Jamal and believes that they will spend the rest of their lives together, this seems to her like a natural next step. She thinks a baby will make her feel less lonely living in a new place. She has mentioned the idea briefly to Jamal, but they haven't fully discussed the issue.

Student Answer

Should Jamal and Sophie have a baby now?

Student Answer

They should have a baby now.
They should wait before having a baby.

Student Answer

Reasons to have a baby now:

They are graduating from college with good job prospects.
They have been in a stable relationship for two years.
They live in a two-bedroom apartment right now, but will live with Jamal’s parents in BC at no cost.

Reasons to wait before having a baby:

Sophie is excited about the idea of parenting, but hasn’t talked to Jamal in great detail yet.
Sophie thinks that after they move to BC, a baby will help her feel less lonely. Loneliness is not a good reason to have a baby.

Student Answer

Sample solution:

Sophie and Jamal should wait until they are settled in BC before they have a baby.

Student Answer

Complete their schooling and move to BC
Get established in their careers and put money aside for the baby
Establish a new life in BC and make new friends
Talk honestly about their readiness to become parents
Have the baby when they both agree they’re ready

Parenting skills and qualities

Parents, grandparents, aunts or uncles, older siblings, child-care workers, foster parents, and others can be caregivers. Not everyone has the skills and qualities necessary to parent effectively, but these skills can be developed if someone knows what they are, and uses the right strategies. These skills and qualities also continue to grow as the caregiver gains experience in caring for children.

Essential parenting skills and qualities

Some of the essential skills and qualities parents need to develop include:

patience
confidence
realistic expectations
resourcefulness
sense of humour
sensitivity

Now, take a look at these skills in more detail.

Patience

Two parents argue while a small child holds his head in his hands

Parenting requires patience. This is one of the most important skills that a parent can have. However, it's a fact of life that everyone loses patience at times.

Day-to-day life with children can make parenting stressful. This stress can trigger anxiety and a lack of tolerance for others. "Keeping your cool" as a parent can be tough, but children need parents who are patient and caring, and who allow them to have time to grow, develop, and learn.

When parents are impatient with their children, children can come to believe that their parents don't value them or their ideas. Children may feel that they are not worth their parents' time. Another reason why it is important to be patient with children is because they learn from watching their parents. A patient parent is more likely to raise a patient child.

How can you become more patient? It takes time and practice!

The first step is to reflect on your current level of patience. Would others describe you as a patient person? If you are not sure, ask them.

Some things to consider:

Do you take the time to listen to others?
Do you get frustrated easily when things don't go your way?
Do you focus on what’s really important in life?

If you feel you need to improve your level of patience, consider some of the following tips:

Do your best not to raise your voice.
If you find yourself losing your temper, take a break, count to ten, or give yourself a time-out!
Always show respect for others.
Ask yourself whether the situation you are getting angry about is truly important.
Be loving and compassionate. Take time to be with those you care about.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. On days when you have a low level of patience, it is okay to ask others for help.

Confidence

Confident caregivers are able to be fair and flexible when creating the conditions for children to flourish. They are comfortable with setting limits but also open to reflection when issues arise.

Caregivers who lack confidence are often afraid to make decisions or set rules. This lack of confidence makes children feel insecure; they often try to take charge themselves, which results in confusion, conflict, and other difficulties.

A girl ties her mother’s climbing shoes at an indoor rock-climbing gym

How can you build up your confidence level?

Bold text startKeep trying:Bold text End Trying again and again increases the chances of success as a caregiver.
Bold text startIdentify strengths and achievements:Bold text End Identifying strengths and achievements will help caregivers improve their parenting skills.
Bold text startRely on friends and relatives for help:Bold text End By discussing insecurities and problems with friends and relatives, caregivers can learn from other people's experiences and build on their strengths.
Bold text startKeep learning:Bold text End By constantly learning and growing, caregivers will make decisions more easily, and with increased confidence.
Bold text startHelp others:Bold text End By helping others, caregivers help themselves.

Realistic expectations

It's important to remember that while parenting is likely one of the most difficult things you will ever do, it can also be one of the most rewarding. You are part of a child’s development process, from small helpless infant to young adult.

However, you need to be aware that the process isn't perfect. There will be both good and bad times. To be a good parent, you need to recognize this and be realistic.

It is important to look at things as they really are – not how you think they should be. Reality is based on facts and truth, not on ideals. Caregivers need to do regular reality checks to make sure that they:

are realistic in their expectations of children. Encourage children, but don’t frustrate or pressure them with expectations that are out of reach.
are realistic in their expectations of themselves. Don't try to be perfect; instead, focus on the important things in life.
set their own standards to live by. Figure out what works best for you and for the children in your care.
accept children for who they are. Try to understand the individual children you care for and know what motivates them. Instead of measuring them against a standard or trying to “change” the child, learn to accept, tolerate, and appreciate each child and try to grow along with them.

Realistic caregivers ask questions, check out information, and make judgements based on facts.

Resourcefulness

Mother buckling her child into a car seat

Resourceful caregivers make use of ideas, time, money, skills, possessions, and people they know, to develop appropriate programs and activities for children. They recognize what will work for them, and they set their ideas in motion.

You can become more resourceful by always trying new things, instead of assuming that you can't. Look for resources – people, organizations, places, and things – around your community or home and find ways to make use of them. Join parent and/or caregiver groups in the community or online, if you want help gathering ideas and becoming more resourceful.

Sense of humour

A good-natured caregiver can develop a relaxed atmosphere that helps children have a healthy, balanced, and positive outlook on life. When children have fun and learn to enjoy life, their emotional well-being grows.

Humour also helps in tense situations. There will be conflict now and then, and humour helps both the caregiver and the child get through it. If children feel free to laugh at themselves and make mistakes, they won’t be hesitant to try new things.

Be aware, however, that humour can also be used in hurtful ways. Take care to ensure that no child is made fun of or laughed at. This can be very hurtful to a child, and humiliation is not easily forgotten. Caregivers play a huge role in the development of the child’s self- image, so humour must be handled properly.

Sensitivity

Sensitivity is the ability to recognize and understand how others are feeling. To be a sensitive caregiver, you need to pay attention to each situation and respond appropriately by considering a child's age, needs, and abilities before you act. If you can put yourself in the child's place, you will be able to react with sensitivity.

Sensitive caregivers:

pay attention to what's happening, what children are feeling, and how they respond. They choose their words carefully so that they won't upset or offend a child.
consider why a child is acting in a certain way. There is usually a reason why someone behaves in a certain way, and this should give some insight as to what is really going on.
show that they are caring people. They listen to what others are saying, look at them when they are talking, and try to understand their point of view.

Parenting qualities

All of the qualities mentioned previously are important for successful parenting, but which one do you think is most important, and why?

Student Answer

All of the qualities are important, but I think a sense of humour is the most important of all. Being able to laugh at yourself is the best way to cope with stress, and taking care of a baby is always going to be stressful. When things aren’t going well, it’s important to try to find humour in the situation – it will make you feel better and will leave you with better memories.

Acquiring parenting skills

Even though instincts, experience, and a nurturing nature are guides in caring for children, high-quality child care also depends on knowledge of how children grow and develop. You can acquire this knowledge in a variety of ways.

Many people learn best from role models. A caregiver with positive parenting skills makes a good role model. Someone who uses questionable language or displays inappropriate behaviour does not. A role model's behaviour and attitude should be positive and effective.

On the other hand, not all people have the same approach to caregiving and this does not mean that one way is right, while another is wrong. However, current parenting research shows us the most effective ways to provide love, care, and respect for children.

Parenting is a difficult job. People don't realize just how difficult it is until they actually become caregivers. It is easy to make mistakes, but if you learn from mistakes and keep doing your best, you should get good results.

There are recognized authorities who provide expert advice on parenting. Although books and magazine articles about parenting are available, it is important to evaluate the authors' education, experience, and reputation before following their advice.

Experience with other people's children helps prepare potential caregivers for the job of parenting.

Observing neighbourhood children, noting how they interact and learn, and developing relationships with them are ways to practise and acquire caregiving skills.

Volunteering at a local child-care centre as a coach or youth leader provides other opportunities for gaining experience with children.

You may also consider enrolling in a cooperative education class at your school.

High schools, community agencies, and colleges provide parenting classes.

It has even been suggested that parenting training should be mandatory for all would-be caregivers.

What do you think? Should all would-be caregivers be required to take training before taking on this important role?

Woman and children observing other children in art class

When you watch children interact with adults, you'll see both positive and negative examples of caregiver behaviours and attitudes. You can observe these interactions carefully and analyze why caregivers act in certain ways and how children respond.

You can also learn a great deal by observing groups or individual children. This will give you insight into:

how children grow and develop
whether a child is showing advanced development or is delayed in some areas
what activities are appropriate for children of a specific age
how children feel about themselves
whether a child is unhappy or distressed

When observing, it's best to stay in the background, rather than interacting with the children. Children should be in typical settings, doing everyday activities. Later in the course, you will learn more about this important skill.

Parenting classes

You've seen that the role of parent or primary caregiver is very important in children's lives. The decision to become a parent should not be taken lightly; many factors should be considered before taking on this significant role.

Think about what you have learned here, and then answer the following question: Should high school students be required to take a parenting course to graduate from high school?

Support your response with your learning and your own personal experiences.

Student Answer

I don’t think that high school students should be required to take a parenting class. There should certainly be parenting classes available in high school, but they should be elective, not compulsory.

The argument is that making high school students take parenting classes will help to reduce teen pregnancies, but I think most teenagers are more responsible than most people give them credit for. They don't need to take a parenting course to know that teenaged parents face enormous problems and that people should wait until they’re older before having children.

Conclusion

Being a parent is a great challenge, with many rewards. It can be easier if you are in a healthy relationship and have a partner who will share the responsibility with you.

You'll look at relationships and caregiving in the next lesson.

References

Longo, Mary, F. (1993). The Impact of Infants on Family Life. http://strongermarriage.org/htm/married/the-impact-of-infants-on-family-life/